I regret nothing
by stilljustme
Summary: Set in Season 3. There's something Dean has to tell his brother before it ends.


_A/N: Hey there! This my my first Supernatural-ff here, but don't spare me. I really really love love Supernatural (okay, who of us doesn't?), but at the end of season 3, for me, there was one important conversation missing. So I tried to make it up for myself and – well, mabe I should just stop rambling around and let you see for yourself. Please R&R! _

"_I'm a cowboy, on a steheeel horse I ride,_

_I'm wanted – waaaaaaaaaaanted – dead or alihiiiihiive!"_

Devotedly, Sam belted out the last note. Not really because he liked singing. He didn't even like the song too much, actually. But as long as the music sounded it kept the silence at bay he dreaded so much. And it made Dean smile, at least for a moment. "Another Bon Jovi or can we go back to the really hard stuff now?"

"Oh, I'd like to have some `Bed of Roses' , I guess!" Dean took over the exaggerated happiness of his brother, hoping his voice wouldn't tremble too much. The barking was far behind him right now, but in the mirror he was sure to see the silhouette of one of the damn dogs.

"Dean?" "What? Just admit, it's your favourite song!" But it was too late. Sam had noticed the panicked glance back. "You see it?"

"I'm not sure." Dean swallowed and stepped harder on the gas pedal. The sound of the motor got louder, but it wasn't enough to drown out the silence.

Sam nodded, his chin shivering with unshed tears. He wanted to say something, but he didn't trust his voice right now. It was hard enough to simply breathe with all the despair sitting heavy on his chest, layering itself around his lungs like ice. He closed his eyes to fight the tears back, turned his head and leaned it against the cool window. He had to stay calm and be strong. If the situation already was choking him with pain, how did Dean feel right now?

Was his heart also hurting like it would never heal again?

In the window Sam saw the mirrored image of his big brother. Dean seemed calm, as ever, and only if you really knew him you would know how the strain in his features.

And Sam did know his brother really well. He knew him better than anyone else in the entire world. He loved him more than anyone else in the entire world. And he would lose him. And it was his own fault. He would stand in front of a pyre again, and again he would know that the one who burned there was burning for him.

Jess' face popped into his mind, bright and smiling. It wasn't as if Sam didn't think about her – he thought about her every day, when he woke up, when he fell asleep, and often in the time between. Every now and then he found himself looking for her eyes in the faces of blonde students. Every now and then he woke up in the middle of the night and didn't dare to open his eyes because he feared to see her burning on the ceiling again.

And always, Dean was there for him. He held him without asking, without saying anything at all, just held him tightly until Sam's breath would calm again and his eyes would open. Dean held him when the moment of truth hit Sam like a sledgehammer and he cried at his big brother's shoulder, as he had done as a child. It had always been Dean who consoled him. It had always been Dean he had confided him, even if it had meant a lot of mockery. When the world was coming to an end, he ran to his brother and was safe. That was the way little Sammy had understood life. And now, twenty years later he realized that this world view had not changed.

Dean still was his protector, and he would have been it the rest of his life – a life he should have lived for himself. Sam had seen the longing and love in Dean's eyes when they had visited Lisa and Ben. Even if he denied it – deep inside he wanted an apple pie life. A life of his own, a family of his own, without any old responsibilities he couldn't bear. Sam didn't know anyone who deserved a peaceful, beautiful life more than Dean.

But he would never get it. He lived the life of a hunter, the life of his father – and now he would die the death of his brother.

"Damn it!" First tears rolled down the face of the younger hunter as he realized what he had done.

"Sam, you're alright?" Alarmed, Dean looked at him, almost causing Sam to laugh out. Dean was worrying about him. Of course. No seven hours left to live, and he was worrying about the man that was guilty of his death! Worrying about the man that had just given him up on in his mind. Sam felt like a traitor. He had given up on Dean. His big brother had sacrificed everything for him, and he had given up on him. Sam just wanted to run away.

"Sammy?" Dean shook him on the shoulder, his voice filled with panic. Sam flinched. "I'm fine." "Yeah of course, you're looking great." Still, the relief in Dean's voice was almost overwhelming. Quickly, Sam closed his eyes again and waited for the silence he had dreaded so much before. It came. Dead silence.

"Dean?"

"Yeah, Sam?"

"Did you…I mean, are you…is there anything left you…" He broke off. What did he really want to say? Words weren't enough. Dean shot his brother a questioning glance, but stayed silent until the younger one had calmed himself. "You're sure you're alright?" Sam smiled in tears, than shook his head. Dean paid back the smile, then his eyes wandered back to the road.

"Yes, Sam", he said quietly, "I did." He caught Sam's bewildered glance, and once again he smiled. "I did everything that I wanted. Well, most of it. This Mexican Sexshow would've been great, yes, but…" He stopped to wait for a smile that didn't come. Sam's eyes were fixed onto the street, his face petrified. Dean's look got softer.

"It's alright as it is, Sam. Really. I thought much about life and death and deals lately, and…" He took a deep breath. Sam cramped beside him.

"I just want you to know that I regret nothing, Sam. Nothing."

"Dean, don't…"

"I'm serious. If I could turn back time till the moment I summoned the Crossroad demon…I'd do it again. I'd make the whole deal thing again. You're my brother, Sammy. And I won't let you die."

"Dean, please…" Sam had surrendered to the tears that ran freely down his face now. "Stop it!"

"I can't, Sam! I need you to understand this!" The Impala stopped in the middle of the road. Through a mist of tears Dean's eyes met his brother's and held them steady. His voice was calm now, but tears were starting in his eyes as well.

"I regret nothing. No matter what's coming, no matter what's expecting me down there, Sammy, it's worth it! And I want you to know that. I want you to…dude, you gotta get over it, okay? Just see it…" He laughed quietly, then took a deep breath and started the motor again. "See it as my dying wish. And stop crying, that's embarrassing!"

"Your fault, jerk." Sam's eyes still were flooded with tears. "When you start like that…no sentimental, like h-" He didn't end the last word, shocked about what he had almost wanted to say. "I said I didn't want to hear anything sentimental", Dean grinned, "I never said I didn't want to say anything sentimental."

He got it. Sam smiled, a small movement of his mouth corners that grew bigger as it was mirrored on Dean's face. For one moment Sam held the glance, then he couldn't bear it anymore. Dean gently laid a hand on his shoulder. "You're gonna make it, Sammy. You can do this alone, I know it."

The other shook his head. "I can't do this without you!"

"Yes you can!" Now the tears ran freely down Dean's face also. "You can be a hunter alone, you can do this, Dad taught us how! Promise me, Sammy! Promise me you'll be a good hunter! Promise me you won't let Ruby get into your head!"

"That's what it's all about?" Shocked, Sam looked at his brother. How could Dean care so much about him? How could he see so much in him? And how was Sam supposed to live without his brother? How was he supposed to survive the pain of losing Dean without having Dean to console him?

"Sam, please!" Dean was done, too. "Look, if we kill Lilith today, call Ruby and celebrate with her, I don't care! But if not – then you gotta promise me to keep away from her. Promise me, Sammy!" The fear in his voice let goose bumps prickle on Sam's skin.

"Please! Don't do that to me! Don't do anything that gets you into hell. I mean I will miss you, right, but I don't wanna see you! I don't wanna see you ever again."

Sam stared at his brother. He knew why Dean had said that, he understood, but it still hurt. Who said that he wasn't going to hell anyway?

"You're good, Sammy. You're the best person I know." It was as if Dean had heard his thoughts. "Now be a good brother and promise me."

Sam smiled in tears. He took a deep breath.

"I promise, Dean."


End file.
